Guys, I'm sorry to have to say this, but I'm giving up video games.
I was wrong.
I was wrong to enjoy this vile, wretched excuse for entertainment. I was wrong to spend hours of my time virtually murdering people. And I take back any claims I've made about this "murder, rape, and necrophilia simulator" being capable of providing art and genuinely enriching the lives of people. I was wrong.
What possible reason could there be for this change of heart, you ask? This woman.
At roughly the four-minute mark, Jeanine Pirro states that video games and movies are more responsible for terrorism than weapons are. At the time, thinking I was a sane, rational individual, I questioned this line of reasoning. I thought something similar to what you readers are probably thinking right now. How can a form of entertainment be more instrumental in the death of countless hundreds of people than actual instruments of death? I thought that was like saying "my stove doesn't cook food, Master Chef does."
How wrong I was. You see, I looked into it a bit more, and I found this video about Grand Theft Auto IV, and some of the things that were shown on this video were enough to turn me off video games for good.
Firstly, please ignore the ignorant annotations. This video was clearly edited by a psychopathic terrorist pedophile. The first bit of mind-blowing evidence of video games being Criminal-Trainers is that in World War I, soldiers feared pulling the trigger, even under the threat of death. Compare that to modern society, where almost every thirteen-year-old child on earth has killed at least one person. Grand Theft Auto came out and the homicide rate around the world multiplied by 600%. We all know this.
We now have more murders per day than the dark ages. If you thought the Colosseums in Rome were bad, with their actual murder, you have not seen a damn thing. EVERY SINGLE person who plays video games has been involved in at least one school or office shooting. The dirty, liberal media just covers it up because video games make money. Which is evil.
Let us go back to what Jeanine was saying. Guns are protected by the second amendment. Video Games are not. The Founding Fathers KNEW how detrimental to society video games would become, and PURPOSEFULLY left it out.
Guns are Tools.
Video Games are Weapons.
Let us not forget the tragic day when young Jimmy Costana went to school and bludgeoned his teacher to death with a Nintendo Wii. Let us not forget the day when Al Queda used explosive Playstations in an attempt to blow up the White House. And never let us not forget the day when the first Xbox controller was turned into nuclear device capable of wiping out THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Not only do these horrifying virtual creations serve as violent instruments of death, video games are actually brainwashing our children with subliminal messaging. When you start up Mario, or Kirby, the music is composed in such a way that it uses hypno-psychosis — which is totally and in every way a real thing — to make our children want to murder and defile the corpses of toddlers, puppies, kittens, The Pope, etc. Clearly, video games are the Biblical Antichrist . All guns do is shoot people, but video games make you want to do all sorts of the shooting.
So what can we do to combat this? Ban video games? That would be a welcome start. However, we need to truly rid the world of these aberrations. We must re-indoctrinate our children with Christiamerican values in an attempt to undo the damages that video games have done. That is why I have opened up a clinic that — for the low price of $49.99 — can cure your poor, sensitive, psychopathic child. It's what Jesus would have wanted.
So, the next time your child asks you to buy them Grand Theft Auto, or even an "educational" game, remember: it will turn your child into a Muslim. It will turn your child into a psychopath. And it will give your child supernatural abilities, turn him into a demon, and allow him to explode babies with his mind. Video games — like homosexuals, black people, and other things I don't fully understand — are evil.
[This message was sponsored by the NRA, Fox News, and anyone else who needs a scapegoat or has their financial security threatened by new forms of media.]