Welcome to Date-ari, where we tickle your Playstation and get your Xbox all fired up! I'm your host, Dick Johnson, and here with us tonight are five incredibly eligible gaming bachelors for your pleasure! Starting on the left, we have Nathan Drake, Adam Jensen, Kratos, Geralt of Rivia, and Commander Shepherd. For those of you who have never watched the show, we'll go from the left and ask a series of questions about these fine gentlemen, which they have to answer honestly. At the end of the show, we auction the candidates off to the highest bidder.
Well, let's kick this off. Firstly, Nathan, aren't you supposed to be dating Elena?
Well, you see, it's complicated. I need to get the girl at the end of every game because it supposedly builds "character" and makes me more "likeable." My agent says I have to be single between games though, so that I can A) make women want me, and B) get back with Elena at the end of every game. Ah, the things I have put her through. I think she must have a severe form of autism, because she keeps coming back!
Hear that ladies? No competition! Now Nathan, on to the main question at hand: what do you have to offer potential mate?
Money. Lots and lots of money. If you choose me, I guarantee you will be spoiled senseless. We can travel the world, take in the sights, strengthen the master race . . .
I'm sorry, what?
You know, kill a few foreigners, steal their national treasures, sell them back at a ridiculous price.
I'm sorry, but I was under the impression that you were some kind of hero. I mean, people worship you. Can you explain to the audience why people often get that impression?
Well, I am incredibly good looking. And charming. And American.
You certainly are. Moving right along. Jensen, same question. What can you offer a potential date?
Augmentations. I'm basically a superhuman. I have augments that can tell me what responses you'd like to hear, ensuring a perfect evening. I have augmented muscles, pushing me to my physical peak, allowing Aesthetic perfection, endurance, and strength. I also have augments in my—
I think we get it, Jensen. Maybe keep it PG?
—five speeds, dual shaft—
MOVING RIGHT ALONG. Kratos, what can you offer an admirer?
I don't offer.
What do you mean?
I get what I want. That's all that matters.
That sounds a little entitled.
What are you implying?
I'm just saying that maybe you shouldn't just focus on yourself-
I was deceived into killing my own family. I killed the god responsible for that. I am a hero, and an underdog.
You're a deity. Doesn't that kind of make you the opposite of an underdog?
I'm an underdog. I fight gods because they don't give me what I want.
That kind of makes you sound like a five year old.
Watch who you insult, or your fate will be decided by me.
Whoa now, we wouldn't want that, would we folks? Geralt, what do you—
I'm not finished.
Kratos, its Geralt's tur—
NO! IT'S MY TURN! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
Kratos, give in, or I'll make you give in.
You think you can take me? I am a god!
I'll send you to Hades where you belong!
Psh, you think that will stop me? I practically live in Hades. I have a season pass!
Alright folks, calm down. We'll let Kratos finish off, so there's no unwanted bloodshed.
I've said all I need to say.
Are you fu- *sighs* Geralt, what do you have to offer a woman?
I can make your demons go away, influence the political stance of a nation with one word, and persuade the women I sleep with to allow me to make nude trading cards based on our “encounters.” The question is, what can't I do for you?
Finally, a semi-normal response. I think. Anyway, Commander Shepherd, it's a joy to have you back. You look a little different than last time you were on the show. You're also significantly more . . . male.
Well, I'm kind of in hiding at the moment. I may or may not be wanted for manslaughter on the Citadel. To be honest though, that reporter was asking for it.
Ah. Apart from admissions of guilt, what do you have to offer a potential ladyfriend?
I can spit cornball lines that sound like I stole them from an 8th-grader's poetry, I'm practically invincible, I've come back from the dead, and I stopped a reaper invasion . . . sort of. Oh, and look at me. I look amazing.
You really do! You look like Cole McGrath . . . and Sam Fisher . . . and Niko Bellik . . . Is there a reason you all look so similar?
Yeah, well my lawyer told me to blend in, and no one thinks anything of a chiselled white space marine.
Nathan, you're the only person here who makes sense.
You're a fellow clansman?
It's a group of people who hate and kill black people.
A group that kills black people? Where do I join?
Damn, it's a good thing we couldn't get Lee on the show. Ok folks, before we wrap up the show, does anyone have any questions? Yes you, on the left.
Your voice, is that adjustable? It's quite grating after a while. Also, I notice you have a fondness for the colour yellow. Does that have any implications in the bedroom?
No, my voice is not adjustable. It is my real voice, and I take offense to that. Yes, I am very fond of the colour yellow, if you catch my drift.
Next question. Front row, right.
Nathan, I was just wondering what sort of company you keep in the gaming world?
Well, my best friend in the whole wide world is Chris Redfield. We went hunting over in Africa recently. Brought us back a couple of trophies too.
That's nice. What kind of animals do you hunt?
Ok, last question folks. Ok, the woman with the glasses and the freckles. No, the uglier one. Yep, that's the one.
Firstly, I find placing importance on beauty appalling.
We can tell.
You people are disgusting. Why aren't there any average women in video games? And even if there are, why are they judged as lesser people?
Ugly people are lesser people. Why do you think the camera faded to black when I was with Tali?
Hey! I take offense to that.
You would, wouldn't you? Your games may be more mature than mine, and you may have more of an independent spirit, but at the end of the day, I make the cash, I get more women, and MY GAMES HAVE KINECT IN THEM.
You think you get more women than me? Would you like to see my trading cards?
Lady, are you going to ask your question or not?
Yes! Why are you all so violent?
Hey, I haven't killed anyone. Well, except a couple of guys, but they were unavoidable.
Ok Jenson, you're excused. The rest of you?
I was saving the universe. Certain losses were inevitable.
You killed a reporter!
Hey, she was a bitch!
And you get to decide that? Kratos, what about you?
Haven't you learnt by now? I'm psychotic. My father turned into a swan to make love to a woman. That kind of thing messes you up!
Nathan, what about you?
If we don't stomp out the minorities, they'll take over! We already have a black president! Next thing you know, we'll be overrun by people in tribal dresses shooting blow darts at people. It'll be like Resident Evil 5 all over again!
Security, can you get rid of her please?
She should know better than to question our bloodthirsty nature. It's an attack on gamers. We should remain completely and totally ignorant of any damage it's causing us!
That's the first intelligent thing you've said all night. Well, that's all we have time for, unfortunately. We'll have to auction these lovely gentleman off after the show, and give you viewers at home the results next week. Until next time, bye folks!